


Beyond the Castle Walls

by The Elder Gays (Katanachan)



Category: South Park
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Fantasy, Anal Sex, Bottom Craig Tucker, Bottom Craig week 2019, Humor, In Public, M/M, Sexual Fantasy, South Park: The Stick of Truth, Stick of Truth AU, Voyeurism
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-03
Updated: 2019-09-03
Packaged: 2020-10-06 08:36:11
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,501
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20504036
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Katanachan/pseuds/The%20Elder%20Gays
Summary: Each step closer has Feldspar's heart beating louder, blood pounding in his ears. He is three meters away, two, less than one...The dagger pressed to his throat stops him in his tracks, the cool metal sending a chill down his spine.“I don’t know what’s more insulting, the idea that you believe yourself so invisible that you may come and go as you like,” the voice’s owner leans a hairsbreadth closer, his words washing over the shell of Feldspar’s ear, “or the idea that you believe you can spy on the Princess and get away with it.”





	Beyond the Castle Walls

**Author's Note:**

> STICK OF TRUTH AU: Feldspar loves watching the Princess at night, this time, she’s ready for him.
> 
> Day One for Bottom Craig Week  
PROMPT: ALTERNATE UNIVERSE  
(Additional prompts: Voyeurism and Public)

He waits until the torches flicker and die one by one, leaving the fortress bathed in darkness save for the eerie glow of the moon. Feldspar's joints ache from remaining still for so many hours, but when the bit of light from the ground floor disappears, a sense of calm washes over him. With careful movements, Feldspar creeps along the length of his branch, leaping onto the windowsill when he feels the first signs of the branch bowing under his weight.

His boots barely make a sound against the cool stones of the corridor floor, their soles stirring tiny puffs of dust and dirt with each calculated step. Feldspar keeps to the shadows, breathing shallow and each footfall measured cautiously. There are guards everywhere, their routes and patterns ingrained in Feldspar's mind as he rounds each corner leading him closer to his target. The door at the far end of the corridor comes into sight as he dodges the lazy gaze of a guard who he made sure was treated to several extra tankards of mead. Each step closer has Feldspar's heart beating louder, blood pounding in his ears. He is three meters away, two, less than one...  
  
The dagger pressed to his throat stops him in his tracks, the cool metal sending a chill down his spine.

“I don’t know what’s more insulting, the idea that you believe yourself so invisible that you may come and go as you like,” the voice’s owner leans a hairsbreadth closer, his words washing over the shell of Feldspar’s ear, “or the idea that you believe you can spy on the Princess and get away with it.”

Feldspar trains his eyes on the Princess’ door ahead, just out of reach, and wills his voice to remain as even as possible. “I mean her no harm,” he whispers, hyper aware of the weight of the daggers strapped to his thighs. With any other ambush, Feldspar was confident that he could unsheathe his blades and strike before his attacker could register what was happening. But chill of metal against his throat serves as a reminder that whoever this person is has skill, and likely more of it than Feldspar generally encounters.

“Is that so?” the stranger whispers cautiously, as if to not alert any of the guards to their location. It doesn’t escape Feldspar that this hooded figure could easily expose them both, yet hasn’t. “You’ve been watching her for weeks, _ Thief _ . I will listen to your explanation, and, when you are finished, decide if you shall keep that pretty neck of yours or don a new scarlet scarf.”

Raising his hands as a sign of good will, Feldspar makes no move to shift away from the cool blade at his throat. _ If he means to kill me, he would have already. He wants information. _“I’m a thief. I was contracted to steal the Princess’ crown,” Feldspar lies smoothly, “no more. No less.”

Feldspar’s eyes widen when he feels the blade bite slightly into his flesh, a bead of red sliding away from the metal and down his collarbone. “_Tsk_, it’s disappointing that you’ve decided to lie to me. Such beautifully tanned skin is so rare in our kingdom, I would hate to mar it anymore than I have.” The stranger pauses before continuing, and without even seeing his face Feldspar can _ hear _ the smile in his voice. “I know for a fact you’ve been watching her during her most,” the voice drops an octave before finishing, “_indisposed _ moments.”

That is certainly unexpected. Feldspar has been more than cautious each time he crouches outside of the Princess’ window or steals away inside her room. Ignoring the sharp sting at his neck, Feldspar keeps his voice low, “And how, exactly, would you know that unless you’ve been doing the same?”

A dark chuckle sounds right next to the thief’s ear, “I’m sorry, dear spy, I’m not the one being interrogated, now am I?”

Silently sliding his leg back, Feldspar hooks his foot around his attacker’s ankle, grabbing the other’s wrist and maneuvering around the dagger as he twists and pins the cloaked figure against the stonewall with a dull _ thud_. He feels a drop of blood slide down his neck and into the collar of his tunic, but it’s hardly the worst damage he’s sustained on an assignment. “Things change,” Feldspar intones over the attacker’s shoulder and presses himself bodily against the other’s back to keep him _still_.

Blond locks sneak out from under the hood as the figure struggles to gain his freedom. Feldspar presses harder to keep his hold firm, the stranger finally ceasing his movement. “Wasn’t expecting that,” his voice drips with amusement as he relaxes against Feldspar’s hold. “What are you planning to do now, hm?”

Feldspar can’t tear his eyes away from the golden strands of hair, standing out like a beacon in the dim light. Even this far north, blond is rare, and the steady stream of snide remarks from this man since Feldspar was interrupted are only serving to pique his curiosity further. “Who are you?”

“Maybe if you ask really nicely, I’ll tell you,” the stranger seems to almost _ purr_.

Frustration courses through Feldspar’s veins as he throws his full weight against the other. “I don’t think you’re in any position to play games.”

Feldspar is completely taken off guard by the low moan that slips between the cloaked figure’s lips, “Or maybe keep that up and I’ll tell you as a _ thank you_. It’s not everyday I get to be pinned to a wall by someone as handsome as you.”

Feldspar quickly flips the stranger, a blatant threat in the swiftness and force with which he presses the man’s back to the wall and pins his wrists on either side of his head. If this arrogant man is going to be so brazen, he’ll do it to Feldspar’s face. But the moment he meets the deep violet of the other’s eyes, his blood runs cold.

The eyes of a Royal reflect back into his, searing him with the ferocity thrumming through them. That color is dangerous. That shade represents power, and beyond that, _ magic_. “Aah, I see by your silence you just realized you don’t have as much of an upper hand as you thought,” his lips pull at the corner in a delicious curve, “and you’d be correct.”

It’s too late. By the time Feldspar realizes the man’s eyes are beginning to glow with a spell, he’s already unable to move. “Heh, what was it you said about how things change, _Thief _?”

“What do you want?” Feldspar manages to grit out, his jaw firmly set with the stranger’s spell. He doesn’t understand what this person wants, _ why _he would immobilize Feldspar in a position that is also keeping the man trapped with a wall at his back.

“The question isn’t what _ I _ want,” the man molds himself against Feldspar, body taut, his eyes glowing in the darkness of the night. He catches a swipe of pink as the hooded figure wets his lips before speaking, “You should be asking yourself what _ you _ want. You’ve been visiting this wing of the castle under the shroud of darkness, watching _ her _, listening to her gasps and moans as she delights in her nightly rituals.” The hue of purple casts a haunting glow over the stranger’s features, Feldspar catching a glimpse of freckled skin, “Did you think no one would notice?”

He can’t look away. This stranger is stunning and terrifying, and each word that passes his lips is adding to the knot forming in the pit of Feldspar’s stomach. “How could you possibly know that,” Feldspar’s voice is strained as he wrenches his jaw to speak properly, “you accuse me of being a deviant when you’re proving yourself to be just the same.”

“I can not lie, I’m probably more of a deviant than you could ever dream.” The stranger chuckles softly, tilting his head to allow the hood to fall delicately off and pool at his shoulders.

Feldspar’s blood freezes in his veins. He is standing face to face with the same freckled cheeks he’s seen flushed by candlelight, the same lips he has watched parted in a gasp. But this man is not Feldspar’s princess, he can’t be, even if every curve and angle matches the images that have burned themselves into Feldspar’s mind. “A twin...?” he wonders out loud as he tests the invisible force that binds him.

The man in front of him lifts a slender blond brow in response to the question. His eyes lose a little bit of their eerie glow, a sign that his spell is waning with distraction, “Oh dear Thief, you’re so close to the truth. If only you’d put the clues together.”

Feldspar can feel the magic seeping away, the hold weakening as he tests his own strength against it. He can almost move and break the spell over him. “Forgive me if I’m too distracted to solve your puzzle.”

The stranger furrows his brows before letting out a breath of frustration. “You see, my nights were _ so boring _ before you started visiting. I could feel your eyes on me, roaming over my body, touching me with your desires. The thrill of such an attractive man touching himself because of me? It became so very _ addicting_.” The glow of his eyes cease as he completely drops the spell. “Can you blame me for wanting more?”

The tension holding Feldspar’s muscles gives out all at once with the man’s words, and he barely catches himself on the stone as the shock hits him full force. It’s obvious now that it’s been laid out for him, and Feldspar would almost be embarrassed that he didn’t figure it out sooner if the look that the stranger, the _ Princess_, is giving him wasn’t turning his blood to fire.

The Princess tugs against the hold Feldspar has on him, not hard enough to pull away, but just enough to remind him of their position. “You can only tease someone for so long before they...” his princess leans forward, lips pressing feather light against Feldspar’s jaw, “_snap_.”

Feldspar wills away the goose bumps that erupt over his skin, thankful that his reaction to such a fleeting touch is hidden beneath his clothing. “Princess...” he whispers, unsure of what he can possibly say when confronted with the object of his fantasies.

“_Mmm_, I do love hearing my title on your lips. However,” he mutters before glancing up at Feldspar, “call me Kenny. I would love to hear my given name uttered by the man I desire.”

“Kenny,” Feldspar echoes back, finally gathering enough of his bearings to release the Princess’ wrists and take a step back. “I didn’t know...” the words hang in the air as he takes in the features he knows so well.

Kenny glances downward before looking back up. “If this form displeases you, I don’t mind glimmering back into a female form,” his eyes dart to the side, teeth tugging at his bottom lip somewhat nervously. “I just prefer this form. I was hoping you would, too.”

“No,” Feldspar answers immediately, “no, I...you’re...” _ Beautiful_, he thinks even if he doesn’t quite have the nerve to say it out loud yet. Raising his gloved hand to Kenny’s cheek, he ghosts the material over the Princess’ skin, “I like whichever form you like.”

Kenny positively melts into the touch, his eyelashes fluttering as his eyes close, leaning more into Feldspar’s glove. “That’s very comforting to hear, as how I purpose we spend the rest of the night may prove a difficult task as a women.”

A wicked smile spreads across his stunning features, making Kenny appear predatory, “Maybe we can explore that option another night...but tonight...” His hands wander down Feldspar’s clothing until fingers are kneading into his backside.

A quiet sigh slips through Feldspar’s lips at the touch. “I’m not sure I understand-“ His words are cut short by the sound of heavy footfalls down the corridor. On impulse, Feldspar crowds Kenny against the wall, lifting his cloak to blend them into the shadows.

A hushed gasp slips out of Kenny’s lips, the heat of it brushing against Feldspar’s cheek. The guard stomps heavily toward them, his armor clanking and echoing through the hallway and bouncing off of the stonewalls. And as if the guard poses no threat to him, Kenny’s hand is suddenly underneath Feldspar’s clothes, skin against skin as he drags his nails along his hipbone. “I want to fuck you, did you understand _ that_?” He whispers into the darkness between them.

Feldspar’s attention snaps to Kenny and he swallows hard when the Princess’ eyes flash under the shroud of his cloak. He’s thought of it, though maybe not in the exact terms that Kenny is suggesting. But the heat of the Princess against him, his fingertips pressing into his skin, only serves to further light the fire burning inside him. “Yes.”

“Good boy,” Kenny coos quietly as the guard continues his slow pace around the hallway. To Feldspar’s surprise, the Princess ignores the guard’s presence altogether, continuing his musings across Feldspar’s hip. His feather light touches dip dangerously low, almost drawing out a moan Feldspar has to stifle quickly as Kenny brushes his fingertips against the cloth covering his cock.

“_Kenny_...” Feldspar whispers, using what little of his focus he can tear away from the man in front of him to uphold the camouflage spell on his cloak, “they’ll hear us.”

“Oh?” Kenny questions, his hand shifting to cup around the fabric, tracing along the quickly hardening member. “I would treat this as a good training opportunity,” his fingers apply more pressure as he leans closer, “for being silent, _ Thief_.” Angling himself to capture the tender flesh of Feldspar’s neck, Kenny nips at the area before dragging his tongue across the tanned expansion.

Feldspar’s hips betray his better judgment and rock against Kenny’s hand. He won’t admit how often he’s dreamed of this, of the Princess’ hand stroking him instead of his own. The shock of this encounter has left his mind reeling to catch up with his body that seems more than eager to please the man before him. It’s all too much and not nearly enough, and each well-placed jab from Kenny is only driving Feldspar’s sense completely from his mind. A particularly rough bite to his throat has Feldspar turning his head, seeking Kenny’s mouth with his own to stifle a low groan from leaving his lips.

Kenny obliges, lips abandoning their previous target to abuse a new one. He sucks Feldspar’s bottom lip in between his briefly, before releasing it with a quiet _ pop. _Kenny’s tongue traces teasingly against the seam of the thief’s mouth, his eyes lidded in the dark, which seems to only add to that boiling feeling inside Feldspar’s abdomen. The spell is holding through it all, and Feldspar isn’t sure how much longer he can keep his concentration. Not with the way Kenny is working his delicate fingers against him, only the cloth of his trousers separating him from heated flesh.

The moment the guard’s footsteps disappear around the corner, Feldspar drops the spell and his cloak, pulling Kenny closer until their hips are flush. “You tease me, Princess.”

“You were quite the tease for _ weeks_, my sweet Thief. Being so close while you,” Kenny’s hand squeezes against Feldspar’s cock as he bites at his lip, “tended to _ this _ all alone.” He pouts against Feldspar’s lips, a slight whine in his voice, “Why not just come play with me in the bed? I could have let you watch _ up close_.”

“How could I tarnish the Princess?” Feldspar’s mouth seems to move of its own accord, but he means the words all the same, “A lowly thief like me.”

“Who said anything about tarnishing me?” Kenny’s fingers grasp Feldspar tightly through the cloth, his thumb caressing over the sensitive tip. “This Princess wants to be inside you, it’ll be an honor no other man will be able to claim.”

Feldspar gasps against Kenny’s lips, slamming a hand against the stonewall to brace himself. It had been far too long since he’d felt the touch of another, and Kenny is being nothing if not overtly forward. Feldspar takes Kenny’s wrist, guiding his hand away from his clothed cock, “Then claim me instead of finishing me off in the corridor.”

“Kind sir, I thought you’d never ask.” Kenny smiles in a manner far too pretty for the debauchery he has planned for them. The Princess slips his hand into Feldspars and tugs, leading them both down the hallway toward his bedchambers. Once they’ve been safely tucked inside, Kenny fastens the lock, “Make yourself comfortable over there, dear thief, whilst I don something for this special occasion.” The Princess disappears into an adjacent room, leaving Feldspar alone and ridiculously hard.

The room has the same pleasant warmth as always, the same scent of cinnamon and vanilla that clings to the princess like a shadow. Even though Feldspar has been here many times before, there’s a charge to the air that is unfamiliar and fills him with excitement. Feldspar unfastens his cloak, draping the tattered fabric over the back of an ornately gilded chair.

Removing his gloves and placing them atop his cloak, he brushes his fingers over the elegant chair, and tries for once not to think about what sort of price he could fetch for such a piece. Everything in the chamber reeks of opulence, and the moment Kenny reappears in the doorway all of the pretty golden trinkets littering the room pale in comparison.

The Princess rests his bare shoulder against the doorframe, his body silhouetted by expensive silks and lace that drape in ways that make Feldspar’s mouth go dry. “Do you like it? I was saving this for someone very special.” The way Kenny saunters toward the bed should be a sin, every movement like a note from a well-rehearsed symphony. The Princess’ voice carries like a siren, smooth and alluring, beckoning the Thief to him as he slips his body over the bedding. “Come to me...” Kenny whispers as he curls his fingers.

Feldspar’s feet carry him to the edge of the bed, the plush duvet giving under his weight when he climbs on top of the mattress. Kicking off his boots before he ventures further forward, Feldspar gazes down at Kenny and the pale expanse of his chest revealed by the plunging neckline of his gown. “Breathtaking,” he murmurs as his calloused fingertips dance over Kenny’s ankle and up his calf.

Violet eyes cast down upon Feldspar and he can feel the hunger behind them with each passing second. Kenny visibly shivers at the slightest touch, back arching as Feldspar’s hands meet silk covered hips, his nails digging against the fabric. “_Aaah... _yes, Thief. I want to feel you against my skin.” Violet eyes close for a moment as Feldspar dips his head down against the cloth, pushing it away from the now exposed skin to place a searing kiss right above the Princess’ hipbone.

Kenny’s hips rise to meet each press of lips Feldspar scatters over his skin. He wants so desperately to peel away the luscious fabric concealing the Princess’ cock, and when Feldspar feels a hand twist into his hair at a particularly hard nip, he lifts the fabric before he can lose his nerve. Feldspar’s mouth waters instantly at the sight of Kenny’s cock, pink and rising proudly toward his stomach. The Princess has a moment’s notice before Feldspar takes him in his hand, the scent of cinnamon and musk overtaking his senses when he sucks the head between his lips and swallows him down.

Kenny’s fingers twine into dark tresses, lacing though midnight locks before a shiver of pleasure bolts through him. His fingers tighten, pushing himself deeper into the wanting heat of Feldspar’s mouth. A moan is ripped from the Princess as his hips buck against his wishes, needing to bury his leaking cock as far down Feldspar’s throat as he can manage.

Pinning the Princess’ hips to the mattress, Feldspar drags his tongue down the underside of Kenny’s cock before pulling off with a _ pop_. He teases the head until Kenny shakily sits up and leans forward to crash their lips together in a kiss.

“I want to be inside you,” Kenny groans against Feldspar's lips, “and you have far too much clothing on for that.”

Feldspar releases a long breath, licking at his swollen lips and untying the laces of his tunic. Sitting back on his knees, he reaches back to pull the garment over his head, tossing it aside when Kenny’s fingers trace over the small key hanging from his neck before he caresses the toned muscles of his abdomen.

He runs his nails up Feldspar’s tanned chest, leaning forward to press a kiss along his collarbone. Kenny sits up on his knees, hands making short work of the ties that hold Feldspar’s trousers shut, opening them and pushing them down over his thighs. “God, you’re so unforgivably beautiful,” Kenny mewls as he laps his tongue over one of Feldspar’s pink nubs. His fingers find their way to his hardened cock, slicking the pre-cum down across the tip and using it to give a few gentle strokes.

Feldspar utters a quiet _ Fuck_, chasing Kenny’s hand for more friction and earning himself a bite to his nipple. “Tsk tsk, you’re too eager, thief,” the Princess soothes the pink flesh with his tongue, hand slowing to an agonizing pace over Feldspar’s cock, “I don’t even know what name to call you.”

“Feldspar,” he groans out, his voice sounding rough to his own ears, “Though _ thief _also works just fine.”

Kenny releases Feldspar’s hardened cock, grinning wickedly as he places both hands on the man’s shoulders. “Feldspar? What a fitting name. Well, _ Feldspar_, are you ready to moan out my name?” With swiftness only years of dexterity training can provide, Kenny twists their positions, pressing Feldspar face first into the duvet.

The Princess scratches his nails down Feldspar’s back and latches his teeth to the juncture between the thief’s neck and shoulder. Talented hands make quick work of the trousers, pushing them the rest of the way onto the floor as Kenny sucks the skin until it’s a pretty purple.

“_Kenny_,” Feldspar suppresses a full body shiver when he feels nails skim over his sides, hands settling on his hips and pulling them back so the silky folds of Kenny’s skirt brush against his bare skin.

“Ah, I’m already so fond of my name on your tongue,” Kenny’s hips shift forward at his words, and Feldspar muffles a groan with the duvet when he feels Kenny slot perfectly against his ass through the skirt.

Kenny pulls away, shifting back between the silk and burning skin in a teasing motion, creating a pattern with his movements. His hands settle on the thief’s hips, nails digging into the flesh as he hisses out a breath between his teeth. “I can only imagine how tight you’re going to be,” Kenny hums as he pulls a small vial from his bedside table. Using his teeth, he pulls the cork out, dripping the warm liquid over his fingers, “But I’ll make quick work of that.” Pulling his fabric-sheathed cock away from Feldspar’s backside, he slides his fingers between them, pressing his tips against the tightness.  
  
Feldspar bites back a whimper, pressing his face against his arms, hoping to hide his voice. But the strange warming sensation of the liquid makes him forget himself, his fingers finding purchase in the sheets as Kenny pushes and pulls his fingers slowly in and out, tipping the vial until the liquid is dripping hot over Feldspar’s entrance. “Do you like that, my thief? It’s a special potion I had made just for this type of circumstance. You should feel its effects working any minute now.”

Feldspar opens his mouth to reply, but between the tingle of the potion and Kenny’s long fingers pressing against his inner walls, he can do nothing but gasp into the fabric under him. He grips it tight, twisting the material in his hands when Kenny’s fingers reach something that makes stars burst behind his eyes, his body growing impossibly hotter. “Princess,” he pants into the covers, angling his hips to both meet Kenny’s ministrations and shift down enough to feel the friction of the duvet against his cock, “Kenny, _ please. _”

“I do love hearing you beg.” Kenny muses as the thief feels him searching for that special area that made him quake. Kenny angles his fingers just so, Feldspar’s seductive gasp filling the room as the Princess chuckles triumphantly. “_Feldspar, _tell me what you want.” His voice reaches Feldspar through the haze of pleasure; wetting his dry lips before he can even hope to speak.

“Fuck me, _ claim _ me, Princess, _ please_.” He doesn’t know where these words are coming from or how Kenny is pulling them out of him, but Feldspar needs him in a way that he’s never experienced. The nights of watching and wanting, of thrusting into his own hand in time with Kenny’s labored breaths catch up to Feldspar all at once and rattle something at his core. “I need you, Princess.”

Kenny doesn’t speak; he’s silent as Feldspar feels him pull his digits from deep within. It leaves him oddly empty, a sensation he hasn’t expected. But the feeling is short lived as Feldspar feels Kenny press the tip of his cock to his entrance. “Breathe through it my sweet Thief, I’m going to give you everything I am.” The words wrap around Feldspar in a tight embrace as he feels Kenny drip what’s left of the potion along the tight ring of muscle and Kenny’s cock. As the tingling magic works its way into his skin, he feels his Princess push the head of his cock inside.

To his shock, there’s little to no discomfort. Feldspar raises his hips as a need builds inside of him, he wants to feel his Princess deeper, more of him filling every inch of him. “_God, yes_,” Feldspar hears himself moan as he presses his face and shoulder against the fabric under him, “_just like that_.” His knuckles turn white as he grips the sheets harder, biting the cloth between his teeth as Kenny sheaths the full length of himself deep with in.

“Bless this..._ ah_, this potion. By the heavens you feel so good inside, my sweet Feldspar,” Kenny’s breath plays over Feldspar’s back as he bends over him, peppering his tanned skin with kisses as he pulls his hips back, taking almost his entire length out, and with a quick thrust, slams himself back inside.

Feldspar braces himself through the powerful snaps of Kenny’s hips, reaching a quivering hand down to grip his own cock. A hand bats his away almost immediately; Kenny’s closes over him instead and further spreads precum and the remnants of potion over his length. “You’re mine tonight,” Kenny whispers against Feldspar’s neck, nibbling on his earlobe as he rocks into him, “you’ve watched my hands work, and now it’s your turn to feel them.”

Feldspar suppresses a shiver when Kenny spreads his legs further, allowing the Princess to wrap an arm around his chest and pull him upright, his back flush to Kenny’s chest. Leaning his head back against Kenny’s shoulder, Feldspar feels Kenny fuck into him impossibly deeper, the hand stroking over his cock unrelenting.

“Kenny..._ I’m_-“

“Hold the _ fuck _ on. Listen, I kept quiet for what felt like five hours of Kenny and Craig’s make believe sexcapades,” Cartman’s eyes narrow as he glares across the table at the rest of the group, locking gazes defiantly with Craig hidden behind his Dungeon Master screen. “But I’ll eat Kahl’s stupid little Jewish hat before I believe Princess Kenny just _ happened _ to have magic fantasy lube.”

“One, fuck you fatass, and two, I agree,” Kyle grumbles, shaking his head and trying his best to look less put out than he probably is. “When you rolled a nat twenty to seduce the NPC, Kenny? I was down. But come on, dude, did you have to _ fuck him _ ?”

“Well, _ apparently_, all things are possible when you have a ridiculous charisma modifier and fucking _ fantasy KY_,” Cartman snarks, throwing his dice into his dice tray with a frustrated grunt.

Kenny points his finger judgingly at Cartman one of his eyebrows quirked, “Correction, it’s fantasy _ AstroGlide._”  
  
Kyle stands, hands slamming onto the table as his voice bellows in the room, “STOP PUTTING _ FANTASY _ IN FRONT OF EVERYTHING!”

“Now...now fellas, kindly shut up. I wanna hear how Princess Kenny finishes off the Thief,” Butters interjects, fist pressed against his lips, eyes wide.

Sitting across from him, Clyde nods furiously. “Fucking A, man, let them nut, dude. God Kyle, you and Cartman are such cock blocks.”

“I’m with them on this one, Ken,” Stan looks like he can’t decide if he should be horrified or impressed. “Like I’m all for establishing character relationships and shit, but-“

“This doesn’t advance the story!” Kyle rounds on Kenny, eyes pleading, “Look, I don’t _ want _ to agree with Cartman-“

“Aaaaaand a big fuck you, too, Kahl.”

“-But we have been waiting. For hours.”

“Not _ fantasy _ hours, real hours, Kinny.”

“Again with the fantasy-”  
  
“They’re right, dude. You were supposed to get the key and come let us in,” pinching at the bridge of his nose, Stan peeks over at Kenny looking entirely too smug draped across his chair.

“Excuse the fuck out of me guys, is it my fault that the princess has ridiculous charisma? Is it _ my fault _ I rolled a twenty with a boost of plus seven when I rolled to seduce the NPC? No.” Kenny’s nose wrinkles with annoyance as he shifts in his chair.

“You guys don’t have a rogue since Token couldn’t make it,” Craig says matter of factly from the head of the table, “and no one could pick the lock. At least Kenny _ did _ something.”

“Yeah, but you didn’t need to encourage him, dude.”  
  
Craig closes his eyes with a little huff, “I was _ trying _ to weave a beautiful tapestry with words.”

“Did any of you _ really _ expect for them to be productive in this campaign? Because I feel like... that’s your fault, man. Your fault for thinking that.” Tweek takes a deep breath before shrugging in defeat, “It’s Craig, he’s a storyteller. What the hell did any of you expect?”

“Not gratuitous buttstuff,” shoving a fistful of Cheesy Poofs in his mouth, Cartman turns his attention back to Craig, “I was expecting more fairies and less fucking, _ Craig_.”

“I hate to break it to you,” Craig sits back in his chair and crosses his arms over his chest, “but anal sex was rampant in the days of yore.”

Clyde only nods in response as Butters jostles in his chair, clearly uncomfortable. “Are we gonna let them finish the scene or should I excuse myself to the restroom?” All eyes turn to Butters, the blond narrowing his brows in response. “What? Don’t act like the rest of you ain’t got a fantasy boner right now.”

“I mean,” Clyde shifts in his seat awkwardly, “mine’s definitely pretty real.”

Kyle groans loudly, that seeming to be his line in the sand, “That’s it, the campaign is over. All of you sycophants go home, get out of my house.”

“_Someone’s _ been studying for the SATs, I see,” Clyde shoots a grin at Kyle and earns himself an eye roll in return.

“No need for name calling dude,” Kenny laughs as he gathers his things, eyes glancing over to Craig as the rest of the group starts noisy cleaning up. “Hey, I thought you did a great job as Dungeon Master, don’t listen to them.”

Craig folds up his screen with a faint smile, “Thanks. I feel like I got a little experimental with some of the plot lines, but-”

“Why don’t you two just fuck already instead of using our campaigns as foreplay?” Tweek deadpans from the doorway. “I only get one day off a week and if I wanted to spend it watching two idiots flirt I’d just stay at work, we have enough millennials with social anxiety to fulfill that quota.”

“Wait. No, that’s…” Craig stops gathering up his notebooks and dice to form a coherent sentence, but Tweek is already leaving with a call of _ Don’t finish him off in the hallway, Kenny_. 

“What? No, come on. That’s not an option,” shifting from foot to foot, Kenny, turns back to Craig, “right?”  
  
“Yeah. Yeah, right, I mean. Yeah, like. _ Weird_.”

“So weird. Us? Flirting? _ Unless_?” Kenny pauses, a wicked smile stretching across his lips. “Wanna roll for initiative, _ Craig_?”

Taking a step closer to Kenny, Craig tries to cover up the flush forming on his cheeks with a bored smile. “I could be persuaded to-”  
  
“_GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HOUSE!” _

**Author's Note:**

> I challenge everyone to go back and re-read this story once you finish it the first time and imagine Craig and Kenny acting this out in graphic detail, rolling their dice for each major move. Some times they rolled badly, sometimes they rolled high- the entire time the rest of the group is being forced to live this with them.
> 
> Ahhh, the joys of DnD.


End file.
